Book Review: Grief and Self-Care

When a loved one is taken from us, It can feel like the world has crumbled to dust. Grief and Self-Care doesn’t try to make sense of the rubble; it keeps you breathing until the dust settles to daylight.

Grief and Self-Care by Kathleen Sullivan is a succinct and insightful guide for how to effectively take care of your needs in the midst of grief, whether it be grief from the loss of a loved one, a divorce, onset of disability, or other debilitating change. During a pandemic that has cost us over 960 thousand lives worldwide, there has never been a more appropriate time for a book like Sullivan has created.

The most debilitating emotional pain we will ever face as human beings is the loss of someone we cherish. The first time you lose someone that close to you, especially if you’re young and those around you have yet to suffer any similar loss, it can feel like you’re walking blindly through a labyrinth. While Sullivan’s book doesn’t aim to tackle all aspects of grief, what it does is make one particular aspect clear and concise: self-care

In this book Sullivan covers self-care techniques like writing, hobbies, non-competitive exercise, professional help, and even a section for loved ones on what not to say to someone who’s grieving.  Options are laid out in chapters to try, each with an explanation, examples from personal experience, and references to outside resources should you like to learn more.

I found Sullivan’s writing to be very accessible, which is paramount when it comes to a book that may be read in a time of crisis. I appreciated that Sullivan highlights quotes from different books from other accredited authors on grief, which can be found in the References section, giving even more credence to the techniques.

The Good

As you can read more about in our interview, Sullivan’s goal is to not overwhelm the reader, which I find to be a fantastic strategy. While for myself I soaked up books like a sponge a few months after my loss, when my grief first began I didn’t have the concentration for reading long form. This is a fairly common response, and one reason why I’m fascinated to see Sullivan’s future works as they tackle other aspects of grief.

I also think the longevity of these techniques is important. While techniques for stopping panic attacks and fighting through sleepless nights may have been helpful (and perhaps subjects for future publications) the techniques outlined in the chapters can instead become habitual. They’re long-form self-care, not just short-term. Grief often comes in waves that the griever can’t predict; having set routines means getting through the hard days through sheer force of established habits rather than drowning in the debris.

Most of all, there’s a balance of authority and authenticity in this book that is often missing from grief related publications. Half the time the grief books I’ve read are from professionals that can be too clinical for many readers. The other half the time they’re memoirs from those affected from a heavy loss, and the authority of their words just isn’t present. 

Sullivan is a crisis counselor at The Crisis Text Line, works, with a non-profit for suicide prevention and awareness, and is pursuing her masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She has the authority, and yet she comes across as quite down-to-earth and empathetic. She’s also dealt with enough grief personally that I get the feeling that even more than a professional, she’s first someone who’s been there and wants to help.

Should You Read It?

If you or someone you love is going through a loss, then I give you a resounding ‘yes.’ In fact, I have already gifted it to a friend of mine in my own grief group that is at a stage of their journey where they needed to re-approach their self-care routine. This is a book where I put my money where my mouth is.

The thing with grief and loss is that no one wants to deal with it. It’s painful. It’s challenging. This isn’t a book I ever want to have to suggest to anyone because it means they’re suffering. But if you’re in that space and you’re drowning, this book can be a lifeline. Not for everyone—there is certainly a matter of taste and timing with grief books as I’ve experienced myself. But when you’re approaching climbing a mountain every tool is worth a chance.

The one caveat I have to this book that I would feel remiss if I did not mention, is that Sullivan and I disagree on the merits of medication (to read about her views on medication, see our interview.) Though certainly not all people going through a loss should rely on medication, I think in certain cases there are benefits to medication prescribed by a Psychiatrist. This is especially true if the patient is a danger to themselves or others, or is dealing with unmanageable insomnia. I’ve seen medication do wonders for some, and I’ve seen it do nothing for others. It depends fully on the individual, and how their own grief manifests.

Spark Level

I rated Grief and Self-Care as spark level Torch. It’s an informative self-care book that grievers can carry like a guiding light through the labyrinth of loss to help keep them moving forward when all else is veiled in darkness.

Trigger Warnings: Death and loss.

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